Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.