I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
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[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
i love meeting boys on tinder
Grandmother clock.
@ candidates for local office
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?