I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
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2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
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