Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Me: *panicking*

Friend: just go with your gut

Me: *panicking while eating nachos*

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

Another interesting #factupdates post!

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

2019: starts making risotto

2021: almost done but not quite

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS