Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

follow me for more life hacks

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.