Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

He has no idea 🤡

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

Liquor Store Parking

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA