Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before