i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
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me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
“OMGJK” -atheists
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one