i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
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Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm