i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
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Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Looking at you, Jesus.
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A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”![]()
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
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Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
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