Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

my one true gender

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

This is sending me to another galaxy

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.