I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Whisper out to librarians!
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”