Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?

Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

accurate