I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

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My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.


Mind: Be careful to protect yourself and don’t jump right in.



My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.


kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend



me: which friend


Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.


wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food


[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it


A woman on the train kept staring at me and after about 25 minutes she was like “I’m sorry, but you look like my high school boyfriend who passed away” and without missing a beat I was like “Amanda?” and she was like “My name’s Rachel”… but imagine if I guessed her name right.


“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada