I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Stop sending me this shit.