I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I don’t make the rules sorry
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles