I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
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i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
As a someone who sleeps nude, my opinions on pajamas are immaterial.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
making sure he doesnt get away
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Girl, are you a dangerous OSHA work place violation because you have FINE written all over you
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
