I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
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The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?