Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

you’re so productive for your wage

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.