Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

j o i m p

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

Not today.. 😂

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]