I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
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Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Girl, same.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..