I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
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I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
brian had himself a morning…
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…