I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
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Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo