Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

I’d rather fork than spoon.

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.