Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.