Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

🤣🤣🤣

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

A Match(.com), but for socks.

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series