Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

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I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.