I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
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All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
become ungovernable
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?