I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
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How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
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*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
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HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in