Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

Thanks to a fan for this one!

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.