I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
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I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
🌲😼
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay