I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
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beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what