I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
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Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Bike for sale
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
One of the best
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*