I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
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Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”