I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
You Might Also Like
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
getting groceries
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”