I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
(2022)
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
they should invent a rest for the wicked
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Yup….perfect score!
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
scrabbled eggs
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today