I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
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i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
Have a lovely day 😊
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”