Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

Tammy is short for Tamuel

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse