I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
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[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
wut hotdog?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*