I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
