Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.