I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
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FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Effort made
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?