Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

i hate you platonically

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

Passwords are more important than ever.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

I support this random dude and all his protests

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though