Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour