I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids