I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
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BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.