I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
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My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”