I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
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*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
The pen is writier than the sword.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.