I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
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Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.