I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
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babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Cannot stop laughing at this
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.