Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

Nose

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

😸

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

blocked.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.