Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

That’s not how days work.

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.