Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”

Can you solve the riddle??

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea

Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

love pickles so much i put myself in one

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything