I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
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After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
found this cool rock hiking today
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.