Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.