I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
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me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.