Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there