Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day

them: is it for an advent calendar

me: no

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers