I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
You Might Also Like
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
very niche meme I made
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket