Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

me: hey your birthday is one day away

6yo: we just call that tomorrow

me:

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier