Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲