I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
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[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
seems fine
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
