Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

I’m never leaving this app.

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream