I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
You Might Also Like
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”