Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.