Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off