I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
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my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Don’t we all.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.