Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

I love it

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

Still my favourite meme.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.