@TheIntComShow

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

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@GrillinChillin9

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

@E_lok44

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

@AdamBroud

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

@Home_Halfway

WAITER: Do you know what you’d like?
DAD: A better car! Hahaha
WAITER: Sir, wait here
*brings out trophy*
you are our funniest customer ever

@AbbyHasIssues

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

@SteveMartinToGo

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

@Jake_Vig

ME: *prints a single document

MY PRINTER: *continues to make noises for a month

@drinksmcgee

If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.