I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

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Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.


Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.


Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.


WAITER: Do you know what you’d like?
DAD: A better car! Hahaha
WAITER: Sir, wait here
*brings out trophy*
you are our funniest customer ever


Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.


So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”


ME: *prints a single document

MY PRINTER: *continues to make noises for a month


If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.