I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
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oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?