I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
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This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.