Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare