I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
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“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
“The Perfect Relationship”
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?