I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
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I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
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I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.