I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
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NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
A classic…
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
liiiiiiiiike
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex