I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
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I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.