I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
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As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Give us this day our daily internet validation
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh